Dear Helpdesk...

I got this one from colleague M. last week. She absolutely has a sound sense of humor! The text I received was in Dutch. I have done a quick translation for the enjoyment of all. No source was mentioned in the document. Enjoy! :)

Dear Helpdesk,

A couple of years ago I changed from Fiancé 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and I noticed the program has an application that installed Baby 1.0, which takes up a lot of space on the hard drive. This application is not mentioned in the manual that comes with Wife 1.0.

In addition, Wife 1.0 auto-installs in all other programs and opens automatically with all other programs. Consequently it sabotages the correct functioning of other programs. Some programs, like PartyAllNightLong 2.5, DrinkingWithBuddies 10.9, and SoccerOnTele 16.4, do not even work anymore! On top of this there is another program (a virus?) that auto-installs itself repeatedly and starts up MotherInLaw 1.0, which causes the entire system to bog down and messes up Wife 1.0’s functioning completely.

It is impossible to abort the program, which is very annoying, in particular when I want to use SexOnSundayMorning 3.0. It seems that certain elements of this program now have permanent bugs. For example the command C:\SexOnSaturdayEvening.exe cannot be activated anymore.

I’m considering to revert to Fiancé 7.0, but de-installing Wife 1.0 seems an incredibly complicated process and I’m not sure what the consequence will be for other programs like Baby 1.0, which - I have to admit - pleases me a lot. Can you help me?

A Discouraged User.

Dear User,

Your complaint is frequent among users and is usually based on a wrong perception. A lot of users upgrade from Fiancé X.0 to Wife X.0 with the idea that this is but a leisure and relaxation program. On the contrary, Wife X.0 is much more than just that.

It is an integral operation system, designed to control and manage all your applications. It is virtually impossible to abort Wife 1.0 and to downgrade to Fiancé 7.0, because from now on Fiancé 7.0 will always act very similarly to Wife 1.0.

The same goes for MotherInLaw X.0. This kind of older-generation programs is an adaptation from Woman 1.0 and is often incompatible. However, MotherInLaw X.0 resists modern viruses badly. The application will be affected quickly and will eventually cease to exist.

A considerable number of users have tried to format the hard disk and install Fiancé+ or Wife 2.0, but this can lead to serious complications (see Alimentation and Co-parenthood in the manual). Also of importance is not to switch immediately to Wife 2.0 in case you decide to install Fiancé 2.0. Wife 2.0 is even more problematic and less compatible than Wife 1.0. Finally, the versions Wife 3.0 and Wife 4.0 are only for experienced and specialised users. These are very expensive and we do not recommend them to normal users.

In case all these systems fail we suggest you try Bachelor 1.0 or Trio 5.3. The preference is, however, to continue using Wife 1.0 and be very careful with it. Personally I have been using Wife 1.0 for years now and I have benefited greatly from consulting FAQ and Frequent Mistakes in the manual. Wife 1.0 is a highly sensitive program and immediately switched to security-mode in case of mistakes. One has to be extremely careful in handling this program for any bug is inevitably caused by the user.

The solution often comes with the command C:\Sorry.exe, to be used as soon as a bug appears. Try to avoid using Escape and Backspace for after these only C:\Sorry.exe\Flowers\All can get the program functioning again and – as you most probably know – frequent use of this command is harmful.

Wife 1.0 is an interesting program, but can lead to high costs in case of incorrect use. Therefore we recommend you to buy its extensions Flowers5.0, Jewellery 3.0 and WeekendOutOfTown 2.3. You can also benefit greatly from YesHoney 14.7 and YouAreRightSweetheart 8.0. You can download these programs on the Internet and their results are considerable.

Warning!
Never install TonightIHaveMyFriendsOver 4.6, SecretaryInMiniSkirt 3.3 or GirlFriend 1.0! These programs do not function in the Wife 1.0 environment and will cause irreversible damage to your system.

To get C:\SexOnSaturdayEvening.exe functioning you are advised to carry out some other commands first, for example C:\GetHerDrunk.exe or C:\PearlNecklace.exe.

For any remaining questions feel free to call the help desk: 0800-WhatDidIGetMyselfInto? (1,50 euro/min.)

Good luck!
The Helpdesk